Communication For Improving Relationships

Table of Contents

How To Cope With Depression In 12 Proven Steps: Step 11-

In the last post, we covered the following barriers to fostering healthy relationships:

-Relationship pitfalls

-The impact of Grief and Loss on relationships

-Role fluctuations

-Role disputes

Before reading on, be sure to review the skills discussed in my previous post, How To Cope With Depression In 12 Proven Steps: Step 10

In this post, I will cover the third of skills in addressing depression in the context of relationships, by learning how to use communication for improving relationships. These skills help in overcoming barriers to healthy relationships.

This post will cover:

-Communication is a common obstacle in creating healthy relationships

-What exactly “active listening” is, and what it is not.

-Types of communication

-How to use assertive communication effectively to meet your needs.

-Learn how to articulate and frame your thoughts and feelings using assertive communication for improving relationships.

-The importance of identifying areas for potential growth in your interpersonal skills.

How To Improve Communication Skills
In this video, I discuss tactics for how to improve communication skills. See my recommended books and products: https://www.mhtgear.com/ Want to level up your YouTube game?

Communication is a common obstacle in creating healthy relationships

Regardless of the type of relationships you have, communication is the cornerstone of all healthy interactions. Effective and efficient communication is not an inherent skill that is bestowed on the more fortunate or in some DNA lottery. It is a skill that is learned and improved upon, first through modeling, then application by lived experience, trial, error, adjustment and reapplication.

The majority of stress stemming from relationships are from misunderstandings, assumptions, conflict or avoidance of confrontation. Arguments often become about defending accusations of ancillary issues, and participants lose sight of the nuclear offense.

The best method for heading this off, is use of active listening skills, a subtle, but powerful form of communication for improving relationships.

What exactly “active listening” is, and what it is not.

Active listening is NOT biting your tongue, chomping at the bit to say/respond with what you have scripted in your head while the other person is talking.

Active listening IS, bothnon–verbal and verbal.

Non-verbal active listening entails body language that communicates the other person that you are following their train of thought and are not distracted. Such non-verbal cues consist of things like eye-contact, nods of affirmation, relaxed posture, physical proximity (close, leaning in, taking a step closer if at a distance when approached, but to too close that they feel uncomfortable, but enough to maintain a sense of privacy).

Verbal active listening entails very little, consisting mostly of um-hums, or very brief statements like “I see”. Once the other person has completed their thought, you will want to interject a reflective statement to elicit more information on a portion of their dialogue. This could be something like “how interesting, how did you know to…”, “how did you feel about…”, or statements of validation, such as “that must have been hard.”

You will have an opportunity to add verbal active listening responses about every 30-60 seconds. You should try and prevent the other person from talking on end for several minutes, because if they do, you will have trouble absorbing and retaining most of what they say and will not be able to remain engaged, and this will show in your affect and body language and will cue your counter-part that you disinterested, which is not your intent.

TIPS: Here are some things to look for to help orient you to active listening and ensure that you provide effective cues to stay engaged.

–Observe the tone and body language of your counter-part.

–Try to ascertain the dominant feeling expressed by them.

–What was expressed that you feel is of most importance to THEM.

Lastly: After you counterpart has completed their train of thought, it is ideal to elicit confirmation that you understand what has been communicated, mitigating risk of misunderstandings. You can do this by seeking confirmation that you understand their feelings and explain briefly your perceived understanding of the problem or topic.

Using these simple but effective Active Listening techniques will go a long way in fostering healthy communication patterns with your supports. Others will find you more approachable because they feel understood and will be more likely to share their thoughts and feelings with you.

Types of communication

There are three basic types of communication.

-Passive

-Aggressive

-Assertive

Passive communication is characterized by withholding or containing your thoughts and emotions from others. This and lead to compensatory behaviors such as avoidance and withdrawing/escaping. This effort may stem from a desire to avoid conflict. It does well to respect the desires of your peers, but only at the expense of your own needs. The danger in this type of communication style is resentment and it creates unhealthy relationship dynamic with skewed boundaries.

Aggressive communication is characterized by the forcing of your intentions, thoughts and emotions on others. This is often in an attempt to get your needs met, fearing that they will not be met unless you gain the attention of others by force or coercion. This type of behavior can be reinforced because your needs are often met in response to shouting, arguing, or acting out. A primary issue with this type of communication style is that while your needs are met, the needs of those around you are not and can lead to your peers feeling violated and avoidant of you in the future, damaging your support system.

Assertive communication is characterized by the expression of your thoughts and feelings in a way that is not accusatory, nor accepting of blame. It is done respectfully, acknowledging both your needs and the needs and feelings of those around you. This type of communication is the most effective because it manages to grab the attention of those concerned with the problem without putting them on the defense. Rather, you as seeking their assistance in a resolve.

Assertive communication:

-Respects your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and is likely to lead to a more positive mood.

-Respects the thoughts, feelings, opinions and position of others.

-Provides the most concise and clear way of expressing your needs.

-Makes getting your needs met more likely (but never guaranteed).

-Mitigates the probability that you will be placed in an uncomfortable position.

How to use assertive communication effectively to meet your needs

It is not always comfortable asking for help from others.

It is less uncomfortable when we learn to do so using assertive communication.

When we do so, it helps to orient others to what are needs are, allowing them to better assist us or at least explore their options for doing so.

There are #7 steps to making an assertive request:

1. Identify and define your need in as specific terms as possible (if you cannot articulate it for yourself, you will struggle doing so for others).

2. Locate the best matches to your need(s) within your support system (just because you are more familiar or comfortable with a particular support, does not mean they are the best match).

3. Decide ahead of time what words you will use to convey your need(s) and how want to be perceived (think tone of voice, setting, posture and timing).

4. Communicate the potential impact of their help (how you would feel receiving it and the positive outcomes as a result).

5. Acknowledge the helpers position. If they are busy, state that you are aware of their strains on time. Be sure to express your gratitude for any kind of feedback they provide, because they took the time to hear you out (even if their response is no).

6. Prepare yourself for compromise. When we are asking for help, we are inconveniencing the other person and are on their timeline. We have to be prepared to meet them half-way (DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO ASK FOR HELP-A failure to plan on your part does not constitute a crisis on theirs).

7. Again, respect, respect, and respect their decision. Learning to be assertive is an expectation that your needs will always be met when you ask. It is a life skill that increases the likelihood that your needs will be met more often.

EXERCISE: Write it out an example of making an assertive request.

-Identify an unmet need or desire and what it is you are asking for.

-Decide who the best support to solicit help from is.

-Choose your words ahead of time, how you want to come across (tone, posture, setting), and be sure to communicate why is it important and how it would make you feel to have this need met.

Learn how to articulate and frame your thoughts and feelings using assertive communication for improving relationships.

Assertiveness is defined by the ability to accurately communicate your thoughts and feelings (positive or negative) truthfully, with a relaxed demeanor, and with respect for the other person. This also applies to setting boundaries when you are not comfortable with committing to something.

Assertive expression starts with “I” statements.

-“I feel”: I feel sad when you ignore me…I feel upset/angry when you speak to me that way.

-“I think”: I think we needs to spending more quality time together…I think we should have more time alone to focus on our personal interests…I think you are accusing me of something that is not my fault.

The same rules apply to expression as making requests.

-Know what you are feeling and thinking before trying to express it to others.

-Know who you want to express these things to.

-Know if you will be asking for something in response to expressing your thoughts and feeling or if you need is simply to communicate and gain mutual understanding. If your goal is to get something in return, remember to be clear, kind and concise.

-Remember to always have an attitude of gratitude, expressing your understanding and appreciation of the position of your audience and use of their time.

EXERCISE: Write it out an expression of your thoughts and feelings.

-Create a hypothetical scenario in which you wish to communicate your thoughts and feelings to another individual. This could be a particular individual you are having unresolved issues with. What are the words that you would use? What do you anticipate their reaction would be? How do you suppose they would feel in response to your approach and expression?

The importance of identifying areas for potential growth in your interpersonal skills

Even if you feel that you have good communication and conflict resolution skills, there is always room for improvement. As a therapist, I still work hard to identify points of intervention for personal growth, because I want to have the best quality of life I can and to serve others to the best of my capacity. I am always working on my communication for improving my relationships, regardless of how good I think they already are. We learn to identify areas for growth by reflecting on lived experience and owning our mistakes, and seeking information to make better decisions for future implications. I feel the key here is to know what vehicle works best for saturating new information to stay inspired and to keep learning. For me, it is definitely podcast, but different folks, different strokes.

If you are interested is seeing my list of recommended podcasts, you can find it HERE at the end of my recommended tools page.

Key Points

-You can improve the way you communicate with others, which will in turn improve the quality of your relationships and you mood as a result.

-You can use different types of targeted communication for improving relationships.

-Learning to practice Active Listening is a salient life skill that will add definite quality to your people interactions.

-Learning to use Assertive Communication in making your requests and setting boundaries will help to secure, improve and maintain healthy relationships and maintain a healthy mood as a result. Assertive communication is key for improving relationships.

Exercise

-As always, track your mood and correlating factors (using the Free Mood Tracking Tool I provide when you subscribe to this blog) or with whatever entails the least resistance for you.

-Start practicing your active listening skills with a safe person you trust. Perhaps do some role playing.

-Decide on a good person for a trail run on your new skills for making assertive requests and expressing your thoughts and feelings.

-record your outcomes and reflect on your approach. Make adjustments where needed. Get feedback when possible.

There you have it.
Another tool for you to Thrive!
It has been a pleasure serving you.

If you want to learn more and deep dive into some great content around communication, two great authors to look into are Dale Carnegie, and Zig Ziglar.

Up Next

-In the next post, we will cover the final fundamental skill in combating depression in relationships, Implementing Changes In Relationships.

It is my mission to equip you with valuable and effective coping skills and clinical interventions, to improve your mood, be more productive and improve your quality of life, so you can do more, and worry less.

ASK: If you have a question you’d like me to answer here on the blog (even if you think it’s a silly one!), please use the form on the CONTACT ME page, or the comment section below. I would be happy to take a poke at it and provide a long form answer when appropriate.

SHARE: Also, be sure to share it with a friend, as there is still a lot of work to be done in raising mental health awareness.

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References:

Group Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Depression:-Jeanne Miranda, Ph.D; Stephanie Woo, Ph.D.; Isabel Lagomasino, M.D., M.S.H.S.; Kimberly A. Hepner, Ph.D.; Shelley Wiseman, B.A.; and Ricardo Muñoz, Ph.D. Revised August 2006.

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