In this episode of the Mental Health Toolbox, I interview Certified Divorce Specialist, Cindy Stibbard, on the world of divorce mediation and coaching.
Cindy Stibbard BIO:
As a CDC Certified Divorce Coach®, CDS Certified Divorce Specialist®, Empowerment and Chartered Career Coach™, I help my clients going through divorce gain a sense of control at a particularly raw time when one feels their life is coming apart at the seams. I offer an organized, guided, focused and emotionally supported path to divorce before the lawyers complete the agreement with the intention of focusing on attaining the outcome that is right for each client.
I work to help find my clients the best divorce professionals for them from lawyers, to real estate agents, to mortgage brokers, to financial advisors, to parenting coordinators. With all that’s at stake, those who are about to separate need an affordable advocate who will look out for their short and long term interests as well as empower them throughout the process and prepare them for their new path ahead.
I work to help find my clients the best divorce professionals for them from lawyers, to real estate agents, to mortgage brokers, to financial advisors, to parenting coordinators. With all that’s at stake, those who are about to separate need an affordable advocate who will look out for their short and long term interests as well as empower them throughout the process and prepare them for their new path ahead.
At Divorce Redefined, I will help you identify your wants and needs and assist you in navigating the turbulent waters of the divorce process down a channel that allows you to live your new life, on your terms.
Cindy’s Handles:
https://www.instagram.com/divorceredefined/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/divorceredefined2020/
https://www.divorceredefined.ca
TRANSCRIPT OF THE INTERVIEW: Divorce Mediation
Speaker 2
Are you or someone you know struggling with divorce? Well then ,stick around because in this episode of the mental health toolbox we’re talking all about divorce mediation with certified divorce specialist Cindy Stibbard of Divorce redefined.
Speaker 2
Let’s go.
Speaker 2
Hello Thrivers and welcome back to the mental health toolbox. If you’re meeting me for the first time, my name is Patrick Martin and I’m on a mission to help 1,000,000 people improve their quality of life through actionable tips on personal development. So let’s go.
Speaker 2
Thank you Cindy so much for joining the mental health Toolbox Video podcast.
Speaker 2
It’s an honor to have you on today.
Speaker 2
Thank you for your time.
Speaker 1
Thank you, it’s an honor to be here too.
Speaker 2
Excellent so I have never spoken with a certified divorce specialist and so this of course piques my interest being in the mental health world and dealing with families and conflict.
Speaker 2
Could you tell our listeners a little bit about what it is that you do?
Speaker 1
Absolutely, so I’m a certified divorce coaches certified divorce specialist and also have a chartered career coach.
Speaker 1
So the way you got a divorce coach works as I typically like to look at it.
Speaker 1
Like the in between that Gray area when a couple decides that they are no longer going to be together.
Speaker 1
Whether it’s through marriage counseling or otherwise, and before they jump into the lawyering up.
Speaker 1
So what I’d like to see is, think of myself as I like a divorce concierge, or the quarterback of the process.
Speaker 1
So I’m going to be there to support them and guide them down the route and the path that works best for them.
Speaker 1
Looking at the different types of professionals.
Speaker 1
That they may need to bring on board, such as a certified financial advisor.
Speaker 1
I often recommend, and a lot of people I find are not aware of the team effort that it takes to go through divorce, and they really count on their lawyer being the only person that that can handle all the ask.
Speaker 1
Next, but as we break it down and look at every piece individually, we not only can save time, but we can save a whole lot of money in what is typically a very expensive process.
Speaker 1
So my job is to be there for them, be that sounding board that thinking partner helped direct them in the right area and help them get an idea of.
Speaker 1
Of their long game, you know divorce is it’s a it can be a very short game at the beginning, but the decisions that you make really affect your entire future ahead, so.
Speaker 1
What I like to.
Speaker 1
Say too, is that my clients are hiring me for my rational brain when there’s isn’t working.
Speaker 2
Right, but why is?
Speaker 2
Find.
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 2
Not the emotional way.
Speaker 1
Exactly.
Speaker 2
Well, that’s that’s incredible man.
Speaker 2
And yeah, custody battles can get extremely chaotic expensive.
Speaker 2
I think a custody evaluation alone.
Speaker 2
Can run $30,000, right?
Speaker 1
Oh yeah, I mean, a typical divorce is about $20,000 in the States and so.
Speaker 1
More, and that’s when it’s not. It’s not contested, so you don’t have to fight a whole lot for it. I mean, even in my situation to mine up in Canada was about 45,000. My ex probably spent upwards of 150,000, but for the same divorce. So because I went about it in a different way and really brought in different professionals.
Speaker 2
Huh?
Speaker 1
For all those pieces.
Speaker 1
Because I was scared about the financial impact of divorce, but I really was able to go through it in a more strategic, smarter way that ended up being much better for me at the end.
Speaker 1
We we got to the same place, but I spent significantly less by bringing in more people, which I think at first people don’t realize.
Speaker 1
That that’s possible because you enter divorce, you think, Oh my gosh, it’s gonna be so expensive.
Speaker 1
I can only handle my lawyer.
Speaker 1
My lawyer is already super expensive.
Speaker 1
How can I possibly hire in all these other people?
Speaker 1
But in the grand scheme of things, they are what’s going to be able to save you further money at the end of the day and and who doesn’t want that to have more money to invest in your future, right?
Speaker 2
And so that’s kind of where your expertise your expertise comes in.
Speaker 2
Like you were saying, you have not just the personal experience, but you’re also the cure.
Speaker 2
Here.
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 2
So you’re helping you’re helping that your clients think ahead.
Speaker 2
Plan ahead to kind of do damage control before it even starts.
Speaker 1
Exactly, and it’s sort of see things from different perspectives because we get really stuck in our emotional side and we get really hooked on certain certain pieces that we want to that were attached to, even as something as simple as you know, not sharing the cake.
Speaker 1
Or or keeping the family home and having to sort of pivot that thinking and look at it from all angles, like what are the, what’s the impact of this?
Speaker 1
If you were to keep the home?
Speaker 1
What is behind?
Speaker 1
Why you don’t want to share the kids on equal basis?
Speaker 1
What is where is that coming from?
Speaker 1
Because typically that there’s so many underlying fears as to why.
Speaker 1
Those are are coming out.
Speaker 1
And traditionally in in my case anyways, and in my experience as a coach, it’s usually been the women ’cause they’re very fearful of their financial future, So what they hold onto our pieces, like the kids and the home because they feel safe.
Speaker 1
So having to be able to create a situation where they can look at all aspects and.
Speaker 1
What’s the best options that they can that they can negotiate with?
Speaker 1
For their future I want it in non negotiable.
Speaker 1
Both can really start to think about what’s a better settlement idea going forward and then present this to the lawyers so that they’re not also going back and forth with the lawyer.
Speaker 1
And then next thing you know you know you’re you sent this this bill for billable hours and and it’s not that I’m trying to take money from the lawyers at all, it’s just that I want.
Speaker 1
My clients to be able to afford their legal bills at the end of the day because I think a lot of people rack them up and then all of a sudden the process stalls having no idea that they were really going to.
Speaker 1
Cost this much.
Speaker 1
And then they sort of get in.
Speaker 1
This place of of their stuff.
Speaker 2
It seems also like it would expedite the process getting better.
Speaker 1
We don’t have.
Speaker 1
Yeah, it does expedite the process that I work like with the lawyer.
Speaker 1
I usually work work with the lawyers as well to make sure that we’re kind of on the same page.
Speaker 1
I never want to be able to misdirect them in any way, but so that we can kind of move, move the process forward and and be and be really supported network when the lawyer can be there or the therapist is.
Speaker 1
Is busy and can’t get in for a few weeks, right?
Huh?
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 2
Do you find that you work more one on one with a particular client, or do you tend to take on the couple as a client?
Speaker 1
Uh, I can do both.
Speaker 1
I typically work with one side of the divorcing couple.
Speaker 1
It’s usually that one party who feels really overwhelmed by the process and doesn’t know where to start and and they really would like some guidance.
Speaker 1
I have worked with couples in the past though, and those couples, the ones that work.
Speaker 1
Well, are the ones that have come to the emote come through the emotional divorce?
Speaker 1
Almost, you know, they’re they’re at the place where they’re doing this.
Speaker 1
It’s reality.
Speaker 1
Let’s make this as amicable and as far as possible, and so they want a coach to be able to help guide them through the next steps and set them up with a proper process.
Speaker 1
So it is possible.
Speaker 1
It just depends on on where they’re at.
Speaker 1
I really like and I really enjoy working with couples because then I get to see both perspectives and I’ll work independently as well as together.
Uhm?
Speaker 1
I don’t charge extra for a couple or or a or a single person, but it’s nice to when you see couples that can come to the table and really look at this situation as OK we we are here regardless of of how we got here.
Speaker 1
How can we make the this future?
Speaker 1
And this UN coupling in the best way possible for themselves, their future and for the kids.
Speaker 2
Wow, yeah, so I’m sure it’s I mean ideal if both parties want to work on it, you know they’re on the same page and you have a background in dispute resolution.
Speaker 2
You’re a certified coach and a specialist, so is there.
Speaker 2
What is?
Speaker 2
What is the difference and how do those credentials kind of play out?
Speaker 1
So.
Speaker 1
I think because I’m not, I’m not a lawyer, not a therapist, so I’m not going to go unpack all of the issues from the past or be able to know the legal intricacies of every state and province are different, but I really helped to coach my clients through how to communicate with each other better, how to be able to unhook their emotions to change.
Speaker 1
Their story of divorce into more of a business of divorce.
Speaker 1
You know, to start to, to treat each other with respect on an intentional level, and use some of those skills such as the BIFF method.
Speaker 1
I’m not sure if you’ve heard of that.
Speaker 2
I have not.
Speaker 1
It’s a communication method where you are in a high conflict situation and how would you really diffuse emotions so it’s B is is brief.
Speaker 1
I is informative.
Speaker 1
F is friendly and the other F is firm, so I.
Speaker 1
Help my clients to.
Speaker 1
Be a way to shape their.
Speaker 1
Their communications so that they don’t continue to fuel the fire and sometimes they don’t realize that they are.
Speaker 1
So it’s just about seeing how to even word your communication and a little bit of a different way so that you can move forward and and not and not back.
Speaker 1
So I think in terms of that way.
Speaker 1
My credentials helped me to teach clients a few more skills so they can navigate this really difficult, emotionally taxing experience in a in a bit more of a rational way, and it’s hard to know that when you’re so hooked and you’re so emotional you know you’re not thinking with your rational brain.
Speaker 1
You’re thinking with your.
Speaker 1
Your limbic brain, right?
Speaker 1
Your Rep, your reptilian brain.
Yeah.
She.
Speaker 1
Hard to think straight in that case.
Speaker 2
Critical thinking takes a nosedive when you’re stressed.
Speaker 1
Exactly exactly.
Speaker 2
Well, and then I, I imagine you know most, especially with couples who even are together.
Speaker 2
A lot of the fighting arguments disputes become about the arguing and not about the actual offense or the problem at hand.
Speaker 1
Yes, so yeah.
Speaker 1
So.
Speaker 1
Speaker 1
And typically it’s about yeah, and it’s usually sometimes something about the past that really doesn’t have any issue with where we are right now and it’s it’s trying to compartmentalize and move away from from those issues and into the future.
Speaker 2
You help him tapping Brakes on that, yeah?
Speaker 1
And I really always try to bring it back to the kids.
Speaker 1
You know, like what do we really want the children to get out of this?
Speaker 1
Then what what do we want their life to look at?
Speaker 1
Look like in 5-10 years and then also if you look back on this process 5 or 10 years from now, do you want to look at this and be like wow? We really handled that well. I’m really proud of how how we came together for the kids. Or do you wanna look at it thinking oh wow we could have done so much better had we just taken a moment to.
Speaker 1
You know?
Speaker 1
Control our emotions and put our thoughts together.
Speaker 1
A little bit of a different way.
Speaker 2
I love that kind of appealing to their sense of parental guilt.
Speaker 2
Or you know what I mean?
Speaker 2
Like in terms of or remote, you know, pain is a much more powerful motivator, right?
Speaker 2
In terms of pleasure in terms of avoiding.
Speaker 2
Identifiable pain, right?
Turn on.
Speaker 2
So yeah, if you can paint a picture for them about these two scenarios, I could see why that would be very powerful.
Speaker 2
You know to get people back you know back into the present and and working on the issue right instead of digging their heels in.
Speaker 1
Yeah it does help when you put the kids first for sure.
Speaker 1
It definitely helps them sort of refocus on what’s in.
Speaker 1
Point
Speaker 2
Fantastic yeah, ’cause I know a lot of you know a lot of energy, a lot of time, a lot of money can go in to resolving a divorce and custody battles at the end of the day.
Speaker 2
Then by the you know the the kid ends up being a teenager and.
Speaker 2
Is resentful maybe if one parent or both parents and you know then it’s kind of like all of this time energies.
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 2
Been money has been spent and maybe not allocated.
Speaker 2
The best it could have been.
Speaker 2
Right?
Speaker 1
Well, yeah, I think that’s just that’s just it. You really look at it as you’re spending your child’s estate or their future on this moment, you’re basically spending money to fight, and that money is never to fight as never well spent. So I try to, you know, give them a bit of that rational thinking. You know you could spend.
Speaker 1
$100,000 right now in this fight and get what you want. Or you could give your child.
Speaker 1
You know $50,000 in the future and get through this in a really general, generally more gentle way. So what does that look like? Well, there’s their college. You know some of their.
Speaker 1
College paid for right there.
Speaker 2
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2
We have a student loan crisis, right?
Speaker 2
It’s a selling point right there.
Speaker 1
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2
How did you get into this field?
Speaker 2
Like at what point do you say I want to be a divorce specialist?
Speaker 2
You know it’s it’s kind of a very niche down.
Speaker 2
Thing.
Speaker 1
Well, you know what is because I got divorced myself and going through the process I I we both went to that straight to that antiquated divorce system.
Speaker 1
You know we’re coming out of therapy.
Speaker 1
Realize we want to separate and then both lawyer up and then now all the months that we spent learning how to communicate what was halted.
Speaker 1
The lawyers would allow us to speak to each other, so then it started again and that divide happened.
Speaker 1
And I realized through the process there are so many people that are going through divorce as well.
Speaker 1
You know, I felt like I was alone and it was.
Speaker 1
It was such a lonely experience that I was.
Speaker 1
I was in this by myself, but as you go through the process, other people kind of percolate to the surface and and reach out and ask you questions.
Speaker 1
What are you doing in this?
Speaker 1
Because I think I’m thinking I might be going down this path or I am in this right now and I don’t know what I’m.
Speaker 1
Doing either and you.
Speaker 1
Realize that wow, there is this whole.
Speaker 1
Both world going on behind closed doors that nobody is talking about.
Speaker 1
Nobody is telling you that they’re going through a difficult time in their marriage.
Speaker 1
No, everyone is trying to do it alone, and in the process you’re making huge emotional and financial mistakes because we’re just not asking for help.
Speaker 1
I think partly because.
Speaker 1
We don’t know that there is help.
Speaker 1
So that really inspired me to look into coaching because I found that I was giving you know, unsolicited advice to people feeling like I’m not qualified for this.
Speaker 1
So then I did find my divorce coaching certification and the divorce specialist.
Speaker 1
I found the National Association of Divorce Professionals out of the States and really turned into them to get to get my training.
Speaker 1
’cause I felt that this was an area that I feel really needs to change.
Speaker 1
I look at divorce.
Speaker 1
As you know, with half of of first marriages going through divorce and then it it, it spikes up to I think 60 something percent of second marriages and then 70 something of third marriages we we are handling this all along.
Speaker 2
Yeah, aren’t you supposed to get better at it?
Speaker 1
The dude is better and why not?
Speaker 1
You know, it’s just because a marriage does not last forever does not mean that it’s a failure.
Speaker 1
You had a successful marriage.
Speaker 1
It worked during that period of time.
Speaker 1
It just you are just two people that may have grown apart and changed in different ways.
Speaker 1
And that it’s OK, we’re living so much longer now that maybe it’s unrealistic to think that we’ll be with one person forever.
Speaker 1
And the way that we look at marriage, I think, is also.
Speaker 1
Something that might be interesting to think about changing in our culture because we look at marriage as the number one signifying factor of its success, is that the fact that it lasts forever regardless of if two people you know, look at each other or a lying to each other a livingness this this lie.
Speaker 2
Millimeter.
Speaker 2
Actually happy.
Speaker 1
Uhm, we still think that if it lasts forever, that success and I felt for myself, I couldn’t.
Speaker 1
I didn’t want this type of marriage for my kids, so why was I living this kind of marriage?
Speaker 1
I want them to do better than that and know that they can, regardless of how frightening and stressful that that idea could be.
Speaker 1
And so that really is what inspired me to continue down this path, ’cause I realized that after feeling so alone, I realized that I really am not alone at all.
Speaker 2
Wow, I think it’s fantastic the way you touch on this stigma.
Yeah.
Speaker 2
The shame.
Speaker 2
Around divorce, like you said behind closed doors, people don’t want to talk about they don’t know how to talk about it, especially if they don’t have any.
Speaker 2
Friends who have been through the process to kind of end too.
Speaker 2
Whereas you come to the table and you’re like, you normalize the process or like look.
Speaker 2
This is not an uncommon thing.
Speaker 1
No, not.
Speaker 2
Actually rather predictable.
Speaker 2
You know, it’s like flipping a coin sometimes and you know so.
Speaker 2
These are the things that you need to know.
Speaker 2
This is this is the lay of the land and this is.
Speaker 2
These are your options and that can be.
Speaker 2
I can imagine extremely comforting for someone who has never been through divorce before.
Speaker 2
It doesn’t even know what to expect.
Speaker 1
Yeah, I I.
Speaker 1
I think it definitely isn’t.
Speaker 1
That’s really what my hope is is to be that that help be that navigator.
Speaker 1
Help them look at the lay of the land.
Speaker 1
What is the landscape of divorce?
Speaker 1
You know it’s really.
Speaker 1
It doesn’t have to be as scary.
Speaker 1
As.
Speaker 1
Society makes it out to be if you’re making the right choices and you’re hiring the right people to be on your side, you know it’s when we make those choices out of emotion that things can become.
Speaker 1
Start going down a path that we don’t.
Speaker 1
We don’t want them to go down.
Speaker 1
And I think like for me I think my personal philosophy is when we’re uncomfortable with something.
Speaker 1
The more we talk about it and the more that we break it open, the less uncomfortable it becomes.
Speaker 1
So like I remember when I first opened my practice, I call it divorce redefined and the I was trying to figure out a name for it and a bunch of my friends would say why?
Speaker 1
Don’t you just call it, you know?
Speaker 1
Hi hi everyone.
Speaker 1
The happiness coaching with Cindy or something like really light and make it fun and.
Speaker 2
Generic.
Speaker 1
Don’t use the word divorce.
Speaker 2
But we could.
Speaker 1
But I see that at the same time I’m like this is what it is.
Speaker 1
I can’t change what it is if I use a different name, it doesn’t change the reality of it.
Speaker 1
So why don’t we just?
Speaker 1
Call it what it is.
Speaker 1
And you know, the more we use that term in that word, then maybe it won’t be so highly stigmatized one day.
Speaker 2
I know when I saw that your business name, it really jumped out at me and I thought, wow, that’s a fantastic description because I mean, there’s so much context in that.
Speaker 1
Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 2
It’s redefining, you know, redefining our understanding of divorce and what to expect in the process.
Speaker 1
So I think you can.
Speaker 2
Like we said, the shame.
Speaker 2
Right?
Speaker 1
And just changing the whole experience is is possible?
Speaker 1
I mean, I’m hoping I feel like mental health has definitely taken a positive shift in the past decade where it used to be.
Speaker 1
You know, you weren’t going to see a therapist unless you were on the verge of a nervous breakdown or you really had some serious issues to deal with.
Speaker 1
But now you know you aren’t seeing a therapist.
Speaker 1
What’s wrong with you?
Speaker 2
Exactly.
Speaker 1
Why are you not doing work on yourself?
Speaker 1
So I I love that it’s become part of our the way that we care for ourselves as humans.
Speaker 1
You know our nutrition, our body or our soul.
Speaker 1
Our mind are so important for us to continue and just like therapy is for ourselves, I think that we can handle divorce and UN coupling a couple so much gentler than the way that.
Speaker 1
Society.
Speaker 1
And the traditional divorce system has been set up, and it’s been actually so nice to meet along the way.
Speaker 1
I’ve met so many fantastic lawyers and mediators who have the very like minded in this way of really looking at this is a process of of doing the best that we can for our clients like we aren’t here to to rake them over the coals.
Speaker 1
To make as much money as possible, but we really are here to help them so that they can recover from this process and the best way that they can.
Speaker 2
It’s fantastic, so just kind of comparing comparing and contrasting where you started off.
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 2
You know, in your business and where you are now, what would you say would be the biggest?
Speaker 2
Start contrast.
Speaker 2
Like where are you now compared to where you were.
Speaker 1
As a person or his mind in mid business.
Speaker 2
They’re both, you know.
Speaker 1
Yeah, I thought as.
Speaker 1
A person I feel like I’m just growing constantly.
Speaker 1
Every day.
Speaker 1
I think the more people that I work with them or unique situations, the more that I continue to learn.
Speaker 1
I’m always learning every day, listening to books and podcasts and reading and meeting other professionals because the more I can do for myself.
Speaker 1
Or better, I can I can be for my clients, so I think coming out of the gates like like any newborn you kind of come out with a deer in the headlights with a big impostor syndrome thinking.
Speaker 1
I hope I do this OK.
Speaker 1
And then realizing that the reason I’m doing it, you know you really have to follow your your why you know your passion as to what I’m what am I here for?
Speaker 1
And you know, one of my top three values in life is to make a difference in the lives of others and I really feel like by doing this it just makes me stronger and better.
Speaker 1
At it all the time and I also like to get a lot of education.
Speaker 1
You know, by having three different certifications behind me, I feel that that also really helps to be credible to be trustworthy, to create that.
Speaker 1
That idea that I I’m not just doing this because I’ve been through divorce, so I think I should know I really want to be able to help people in from a professional ethical standpoint.
Miller
Speaker 1
And they know that they’re getting a good standard of of support.
Speaker 1
So I think as I go, it’s just like, you know, in anything we grow and we learn and.
Speaker 1
That’s.
Speaker 1
I was a teacher for 20 years before I even got divorced to become a divorce coach.
Speaker 1
So I think in in myself.
Speaker 1
I’m a lifelong learner.
Speaker 1
So as I keep going and learning and growing up, I just get stronger and stronger.
Speaker 2
Wow, well that’s definitely the best of both worlds. You know, having a lived experience as well as the credentials, I think it’s kind of like a 12 punch as far as confidence for people that would fine.
Speaker 2
Do.
Speaker 2
Right, help them feel safe and comfortable, absolutely.
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, I hope so and it’s it’s you have to show your vulnerability sometimes right too.
Speaker 1
I always I tend to show my professional side so much more than than my my hurt side, but it’s you know we’ve all been there.
Speaker 1
And being in that the trenches of it and thinking that I just wanted to throw in the.
Speaker 1
Towel and and and still.
Speaker 1
Sometimes waking up it in the middle of the night.
Speaker 1
Thinking that I’m going to be a bag lady under a bridge.
Speaker 1
Somewhere me if I’m not gonna make it.
Speaker 2
You’ll have that thing.
Speaker 2
Uhm?
Speaker 2
I’ll share my shopping cart with you.
Speaker 1
I’ll bring a blanket.
It’s.
Speaker 2
As far as where you are ’cause so we talked about where you started, where you are now, where, where do you see yourself take or do you see taking your your business next?
Speaker 2
What would you like to see happen?
Speaker 1
I would love, I mean my grand vision would be to have a team of people that creates almost like a practice in a way of a divorce coach like myself, a certified financial advisor and a mediator.
Speaker 1
Even a parenting coordinator that could also always also work as a team, almost like in a in a one stop shop kind of deal.
Speaker 1
So if someone to get divorced, they could just come into our, you know, into the practice and get all the support they needed right there instead of having to outsource from everyone, because I really think that as a team, if we all.
Speaker 1
It’s like going to.
Speaker 1
It’s like when you see if they’re a family sees a therapist.
Speaker 1
You want everyone to kind of see someone in the office at least so that they.
Speaker 1
And communicate and have an idea of what’s going on with with each person, so that we can really start to streamline this whole process and and support the whole family instead of just one in one individual on one side.
Speaker 1
’cause divorce impacts so many people involved.
Speaker 1
So if we could.
Speaker 1
Literally, I mean it’s a vision.
Speaker 1
It’s a dream.
Speaker 1
But if we could walk in the front door and have a couple that separating and.
Speaker 1
Handle all of the the pieces of it.
Speaker 1
As well as.
Speaker 1
The kids and what this is going to look like in their future.
Speaker 1
And you know, what is your career going to look like next?
Speaker 1
Even what do you want to do with yourself and help set them up for for success as they walk out that door?
Speaker 1
I think not only will that save time and money, but I also feel that it might.
Speaker 1
I.
Speaker 1
Helped to salvage some of that.
Speaker 1
Co parenting relationship that it becomes destroyed during a typical divorce system because so much battle engages and you end up with so much more.
Speaker 1
Resentment at the end of.
Speaker 1
The day that we leave with these parents coparenting.
Speaker 1
But they’re barely speaking anymore.
Speaker 1
And it’s sad to see to see that.
Speaker 1
That happened and I’d love to be able.
Speaker 1
To see that, change.
Speaker 2
Yeah, like giving goosebumps right now for real.
Speaker 2
He’s thinking about that because that makes so much sense.
Speaker 2
I mean, it’s not just the divorce and it’s not just the custody agreement.
Speaker 2
It’s.
Speaker 2
The quality of life for everybody involved and on and everybody processes a divorce.
Speaker 2
You know.
Speaker 2
Oftentimes internally, without without any feedback.
Speaker 2
Without any guidance, especially kids, right and to have a collaborative approach.
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 2
You know, as a family going into an agency and having you know everybody have their own person that’s walking them through this and helping them envision their goals like you said and.
Speaker 2
Mobile.
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 2
How to maintain a quality life after divorce and still dream and still be happy?
Speaker 2
I just think that’s so powerful.
Speaker 1
Yeah, well yeah I hope so.
Speaker 2
I love that vision.
Speaker 1
Yeah it’s it’s a bit of a collaborative approach I guess like we do have that sort of approach happening.
Speaker 1
In certain areas, but I think that you stop at the when the divorce is over right and then you just hope for the best for that family.
Speaker 1
But it would be nice to have some kind of of consistent long term approach to make sure that they’re set up and the mental health of the kids are still taken care of and you’re able to get back in the workforce too.
Speaker 1
I think that’s a big piece.
Speaker 1
Of it, which is, why did my career coach training because I felt.
Speaker 1
For myself, after 20 years as a teacher, I could go back to that to that field of work, but I was already out of the workforce for 11 years.
Speaker 1
I was already a bit of a Dinosaur, so I would have had to upgrade my skills and it was a bit limiting for me as a person ’cause I had done that.
Speaker 1
I love teaching.
Speaker 1
It was great.
Speaker 1
Going back to the classroom wasn’t something that I felt like it was going to be for the rest of my life.
Speaker 1
So now what, you know, I’m entering the next chapter of my life.
Speaker 1
I’d like something new, but what would that look?
Speaker 1
Like would I have to go back to school?
Speaker 1
How would I upgrade?
Speaker 1
Where would I start?
Speaker 1
Would anyone hire me?
Speaker 1
How do I write a resume?
Speaker 1
All of those things are really scary when you haven’t done it for 20 years, and I think that sometimes when women typically right right now and women are in that position, they latch on also emotionally to the financial peace ’cause they don’t feel like that they’re going to be able to get back out there.
Speaker 1
When really this is a chance for them to do anything.
Anyway.
Speaker 1
They watch.
Speaker 2
Blank slate, yeah.
Speaker 1
Blank slate, yeah.
Speaker 2
I love it.
Speaker 1
It’s a it’s an opportunity.
Speaker 2
I was going to ask you if you have any particular areas of interest or pass.
Speaker 2
That makes total sense.
Speaker 2
Yeah, the career coaching is a background.
Speaker 2
Yeah, do you have any current passions?
Speaker 2
Anything outside of the work you do?
Speaker 1
Oh my gosh, I love to golf.
Speaker 1
I like to ski.
Speaker 1
I’m I’m an avid tennis player.
Speaker 1
I play tennis on the local leagues.
Speaker 1
Here double doubles.
Speaker 1
My mountain bike.
Speaker 1
I literally live 5 minutes from some pretty serious local mountains, so I left a mountain bike.
Right?
Speaker 1
And I have my kids half the time, so there’s almost 13 and 11.
Speaker 1
So we do a lot of.
Speaker 1
That and UM, those are sort of my passions.
Speaker 2
That’s fantastic, you know.
Speaker 2
From being in the field that you’re in, I’m sure you carry.
Speaker 2
I mean, it’s it’s a wonderful work you’re doing, but I’m sure it’s a lot of stress.
Speaker 2
It’s a lot of.
Speaker 2
Negative energy, you know you have to do something with, so the fact that you’re so physically active in your personal time, I’m sure that really helps you decompress.
Speaker 1
Yeah, it definitely does, and I I like to be able to.
Speaker 1
You know, I do some mediation or mediation meditation.
Speaker 1
Meditation as well a little bit.
Speaker 1
But I’m also pretty good.
Speaker 1
Compartmentalize are when it comes to carrying the negative energy, so I don’t know how I’ve learned that.
Speaker 1
Maybe it was the way that I was raised in my life.
Speaker 1
I’m not sure, but I feel that I I do know how to not internalize a lot of that stress.
Speaker 1
Sometimes I tend to take it on.
Speaker 1
Being like I’m up all night thinking how I can help them clients and what can I do more creatively, but it does help to be able to be physically active and be outside so that that definitely helps a lot.
Speaker 1
And I love listening to audiobooks so I can go and listen to someone who’s inspiring.
Speaker 1
You are a podcast and that also gives me lots of empowerment.
Speaker 2
Excellent, nice weight. Nice way to kind of change hats too, but you don’t mind on a different track. Yeah, absolutely. So I’m wondering if if you had some Nuggets of truth, some some wisdom, few points that you could pass on to the listeners. Whoever happens to be tuning into this via U2 or the podcast, what?
Speaker 1
Yeah, sure.
Speaker 2
What would you like to pass along?
Speaker 1
Uhm, one piece from the very beginning.
Speaker 1
That is, if you are even getting thinking of getting married or in a relationship, I really think to take time to do a good prenup in your relationship.
Speaker 1
I think a lot of people don’t want to do that because of the idea that they’re not going to get.
Speaker 1
Divorced and that was one mistake that I made a long time ago.
Speaker 1
We had a prenup but I was offended that I had to even look at the end before we had even started.
Speaker 1
But that was an emotional reaction where I should have thought more about.
Speaker 1
OK, well, this if it could happen, then let’s.
Speaker 1
Do what, what’s the right thing to do for the future, so taking time to really do that piece of it and and not let yourself be emotionally hooked by the fact that you know this is looking at the end, because potentially not, but you look at going into marriage.
Speaker 1
I think it’s something like 0% of couples going into marriage. Think that they would ever get divorced by the end of the day. 45% of those couples do, so we go in with Blinders on. So if we were able to go in with a bit more realistic thinking to prepare yourself for for the future, just in case, I think that we would be a lot better off.
Speaker 1
Secondly, I don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help.
Speaker 1
You know, we all are.
Speaker 1
We have a lot of pride and we all have a lot of fear and our concern with what society thinks and what people think of us.
Speaker 1
You know, we have a lot of.
Speaker 1
Of guilt and shame for going through something like divorce, but it really is not as shameful.
Speaker 1
Experience there are so many people.
Speaker 1
Like I said, half of marriages are going through it, but it is OK to reach out for help and I think Thirdly I would say take your time and find out who those proper people are.
Speaker 1
Don’t jump to the first lawyer that someone gives you a name to.
Speaker 1
Don’t look at Google and pick the first one that you see really.
Speaker 1
Do some research.
Speaker 1
And find out.
Speaker 1
OK, who is best for me?
Speaker 1
Who can I go to ask for?
Speaker 1
Help and and really make those thoughtful decisions because this is really your one chance to make those good decisions for the rest of your life.
Speaker 1
And it doesn’t have to be rushed and it can be really thought out and the support is there for you if you just to reach out to find it.
Speaker 2
It’s fantastic very much again about the stigma, right.
Speaker 2
Planning ahead, you know?
Speaker 2
Uhm, well, that’s great advice.
Speaker 2
Everybody appreciates it.
Speaker 2
And then where could where could listeners go to find out more about you?
Speaker 1
My website is www.divorceredefined.ca. I’m also an Instagram at divorce redefined.
Speaker 1
Also on LinkedIn under Cindy Stibbard and I can you can email me at info.
Speaker 1
At divorceredefined.ca or any other information.
Speaker 2
And Aasen excellent.
Speaker 2
I will put all of those, of course in the show notes and up on the video if you’re watching.
Speaker 2
And would it be OK if I had you back back on the show in the future to see how things are going with your vision?
Speaker 1
Ah, I love that.
Speaker 1
It’s love that Patrick, yes, thank you, that’d be great.
Speaker 2
Alright, well I am so honored that you took the time today.
Speaker 2
I really appreciate it.
Speaker 2
I know you’re a busy lady.
Speaker 2
And uh, yeah.
Speaker 1
Me too.
Speaker 1
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1
What an opportunity appreciate it.
Speaker 2
Yeah, and I’m excited to see what happens with you next.
Speaker 2
That’s fantastic, and thank you for.
Speaker 2
Educating me on this world.
Speaker 2
I’m still a little wet behind the ears when it comes to how things work on the divorce side, so thank you so much, yeah.
Speaker 1
Yeah, we’re all learning.
Speaker 1
You’re welcome.
Speaker 1
Thank you.
Speaker 2
Alright come until next time then you enjoy your day and we’ll talk again, OK?
Speaker 1
Sounds great, thank you.
Speaker 2
Alright, thank you.
Speaker 2
Well, there you have it.
Speaker 2
Another tool for you to thrive.
Speaker 2
Hey, if you’re getting value from this content, be sure to subscribe if you haven’t already.
Speaker 2
All right now.
Speaker 2
Go make good things happen by now.
NEED CRISIS HELP? If you need immediate crisis help with your depression, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741
OUTSIDE THE UNITED STATES: See International Suicide Hotlines
WHERE TO FIND MENTAL HEALTH HELP:
-NAMI Referral Helpline: 1-800-950-6264
-California’s Statewide Mental Health Helpline: 1-855-845-7415
Want to learn more? Check out my top picks for books on self-improvement and recovery HERE!
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